Mind your language, not mine

Dear English Pundit,

As I am suffering from ‘horrible English’, I kindly request you to go to hell. You are really senseless or you are just acting like this? Don’t you know that English language is constantly changing and that, what you are speaking now will be a joke 50 years from now? Then why the hell are you keep on asking to speak proper English proper English? Whether English is your father’s language? Even if it is, it is not MY father’s language.

First of all define proper English. I can also speak Shakespeare English ok? Come on tell me, “What trade art thou?”. Answer me. You are laughing right? So, what they used 500 years back, you are laughing at it now, then you are saying “His English is horrible man!”. And when exactly did your ‘proper English’ originate? 18th century? 19th century? You have a calendar, I also have one. Not speaking ‘Traditional English’ it seems. Hello sir, “traditionally”, human beings never had a language for many millions of years. Only ‘ba bu bee’ sounds. You want to use that? No na?

Have you read English non-detail in school? If you went to school in India means you will understand what I am saying. If you went in abroad means, then go to hell urgently. First you stop using tissue paper and then I will talk to you. After so many difficulties we are learning the English. In our school they taught us ‘Zed’ and now if I say it loudly means you idiots are laughing and saying “Oh, you mean Zee!”. Mentals.

See already the MS Word is screwing everybody in India by putting the red lines below all spellings. Our school only taught this spelling. Now suddenly Bill Gates and Co are saying the spelling is all wrong. We are scratching our heads and thinking ki what we did wrong and why that red line is coming. On top of that you are also saying the English is bad.

In ‘proper’ English, gay means happy. Whether you are aware of it? I am saying “I am very gay today” and you are rolling and laughing at me, pointing fingers? Have you lost your mind?

‘My’ is also two letters. ‘Ma’ is also two letters. Then why you are saying ‘Ma dog poo-pooed in ma pillow today’? Style eh? You are accepting this but you will not accept my English. You will shout at my English and then suddenly they will add Indian words into the Oxford dictionary and then you will also start using it, right?

If I use complicated words means I have good English, is it? I also know how to make complex sentences ok? All I have to do is to right-click and choose a synonym for every word and then you will be flabbergasted at the harmonised synchronisation of my meta-physical and above-optimal usage of this language that oscillates a tad between its Anglo-Saxonic origin and the Post-Renaissance more Modernistic approach. Then you will also frame my picture and worship me for my English.

Idiot fellow, English is only a language to communicate your thoughts. It takes only 6 weeks to learn any language. Ask Rapidex or Veta. So stop putting scene and start respecting other people. There is nothing superior in speaking ‘better’ English. If I leave you in Siberian desert for one week, what will you bother about? Food or proper sentence formation? Why go to Siberia, even if I leave you in France itself, that’s all. You are finished. You will pronounce ‘R’ in one way and nobody will understand what you are saying.

At that time you will think of me. Don’t worry. I am not like you. I will come to your rescue then.

OK?

Yours Truly

(thanks to : http://localparty.tumblr.com/ )