Mind your language, not mine

Dear English Pundit,

As I am suffering from ‘horrible English’, I kindly request you to go to hell. You are really senseless or you are just acting like this? Don’t you know that English language is constantly changing and that, what you are speaking now will be a joke 50 years from now? Then why the hell are you keep on asking to speak proper English proper English? Whether English is your father’s language? Even if it is, it is not MY father’s language.

First of all define proper English. I can also speak Shakespeare English ok? Come on tell me, “What trade art thou?”. Answer me. You are laughing right? So, what they used 500 years back, you are laughing at it now, then you are saying “His English is horrible man!”. And when exactly did your ‘proper English’ originate? 18th century? 19th century? You have a calendar, I also have one. Not speaking ‘Traditional English’ it seems. Hello sir, “traditionally”, human beings never had a language for many millions of years. Only ‘ba bu bee’ sounds. You want to use that? No na?

Have you read English non-detail in school? If you went to school in India means you will understand what I am saying. If you went in abroad means, then go to hell urgently. First you stop using tissue paper and then I will talk to you. After so many difficulties we are learning the English. In our school they taught us ‘Zed’ and now if I say it loudly means you idiots are laughing and saying “Oh, you mean Zee!”. Mentals.

See already the MS Word is screwing everybody in India by putting the red lines below all spellings. Our school only taught this spelling. Now suddenly Bill Gates and Co are saying the spelling is all wrong. We are scratching our heads and thinking ki what we did wrong and why that red line is coming. On top of that you are also saying the English is bad.

In ‘proper’ English, gay means happy. Whether you are aware of it? I am saying “I am very gay today” and you are rolling and laughing at me, pointing fingers? Have you lost your mind?

‘My’ is also two letters. ‘Ma’ is also two letters. Then why you are saying ‘Ma dog poo-pooed in ma pillow today’? Style eh? You are accepting this but you will not accept my English. You will shout at my English and then suddenly they will add Indian words into the Oxford dictionary and then you will also start using it, right?

If I use complicated words means I have good English, is it? I also know how to make complex sentences ok? All I have to do is to right-click and choose a synonym for every word and then you will be flabbergasted at the harmonised synchronisation of my meta-physical and above-optimal usage of this language that oscillates a tad between its Anglo-Saxonic origin and the Post-Renaissance more Modernistic approach. Then you will also frame my picture and worship me for my English.

Idiot fellow, English is only a language to communicate your thoughts. It takes only 6 weeks to learn any language. Ask Rapidex or Veta. So stop putting scene and start respecting other people. There is nothing superior in speaking ‘better’ English. If I leave you in Siberian desert for one week, what will you bother about? Food or proper sentence formation? Why go to Siberia, even if I leave you in France itself, that’s all. You are finished. You will pronounce ‘R’ in one way and nobody will understand what you are saying.

At that time you will think of me. Don’t worry. I am not like you. I will come to your rescue then.

OK?

Yours Truly

(thanks to : http://localparty.tumblr.com/ )

I went to a party Mom

I went to a party Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece..
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn't see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
"The other guy is drunk," Mom,
And now I'm the one who will pay.

I'm lying here dying, Mom.....
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon..

There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I'll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.

He was probably at the same party as I..
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.

Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put "GOOD BOY " on my grave.

Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.

I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?

Someone took the effort to write this poem. So please, forward this
to as many people as you can.
People understand that don't mix drinking
and driving. 

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." 
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

(BLOG) RED - Buy (RED). Save Lives.: Join us in Lighting Global Landmarks (RED) this World AIDS Day - December 1st

(BLOG) RED - Buy (RED). Save Lives.: Join us in Lighting Global Landmarks (RED) this World AIDS Day - December 1st

December 1st is World AIDS Day and we’re illuminating the world’s most iconic landmarks (RED) to raise awareness of the goal of an AIDS Free Generation due in 2015. Last year nearly half a million babies were born with HIV. But with access to medication a pregnant mother can stop the transmission of HIV to her child. With continued funding to organizations like the Global Fund, the number of babies born with HIV could be zero by 2015 – creating the first AIDS Free Generation in 30 years.

PocketInfo.net

Wikileaks sets off a worldwide diplomatic crisis

WikiLeaks is sure to dominate diplomatic minds over the next few weeks!Several newspapers around the world have decided to release some of the content from the 250,000 documents released by the Wikileaks site. ( The Guardian in the UK , Der Spiegel in Germany and the New York Times in the US) .

US diplomats are scrambling fervently to protect the US from the fallout but with technology the way it is today there will be hundreds of thousands of articles across the web well before this day is out.

This is one of the major problems of the Information Age! The speed at which information travels has fundamentally changed the world that we live in.

Twitter will no doubt be trending very heavily on some of the admissions. Some of the highlights will include these 'allegations' ... (use hash tag #cablegate to see all the comments on twitter)


Saudi Arabia - One of the most damaging allegations was that Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah repeatedly urged America to attack Iran.The Saudi leader was recorded as having “frequently exhorted the US to attack Iran to put an end to its nuclear weapons programme”. The leak said he told the Americans to “cut off the head of the snake” at a meeting in 2008. The leaks also disclose how leaders in Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Egypt referred to Iran as “evil” and a power that “is going to take us to war”.


Pakistan - Grave fears in Washington and London over the security of Pakistan's nuclear weapons programme, with officials warning that as the country faces economic collapse, government employees could smuggle out enough nuclear material for terrorists to build a bomb.

China - How the hacker attacks which forced Google to quit China in January were orchestrated by a senior member of the Politburo who typed his own name into the global version of the search engine and found articles criticising him personally.


Russia & Italy - The extraordinarily close relationship between Vladimir Putin, the Russian prime minister, and Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian prime minister, which is causing intense US suspicion. Cables detail allegations of "lavish gifts", lucrative energy contracts and the use by Berlusconi of a "shadowy" Russian-speaking Italian go-between.


Afghanistan - Suspicions of corruption in the Afghan government, with one cable alleging that vice president Zia Massoud was carrying $52m in cash when he was stopped during a visit to the United Arab Emirates. Massoud denies taking money out of Afghanistan.


Russia - Allegations that Russia and its intelligence agencies are using mafia bosses to carry out criminal operations, with one cable reporting that the relationship is so close that the country has become a "virtual mafia state".


United Kingdom - Devastating criticism of the UK's military operations in Afghanistan by US commanders, the Afghan president and local officials in Helmand. The dispatches reveal particular contempt for the failure to impose security around Sangin – the town which has claimed more British lives than any other in the country.


Saudi Arabia & Yemen - The cables names Saudi donors as the biggest financiers of terror groups, and provide an extraordinarily detailed account of an agreement between Washington and Yemen to cover up the use of US planes to bomb al-Qaida targets. One cable records that during a meeting in January with General David Petraeus, then US commander in the Middle East, Yemeni president Abdullah Saleh said: "We'll continue saying they are our bombs, not yours."

France & Iran - The leaked memos also disclose how American diplomats compared Iran’s President Ahmedinejad with Adolf Hitler and labelled France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy as the “emperor with no clothes”.


Germany & Russia - In various cables from the US embassies the German Chancellor Angela Merkel was depicted as “risk aversive”, while the Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin was an “alpha dog”.

Key figures:

• 15, 652 secret
• 101,748 confidential
• 133,887 unclassified
  
• Iraq most discussed country – 15,365 (Cables coming from Iraq – 6,677)
• Ankara, Turkey had most cables coming from it – 7,918
• From Secretary of State office - 8,017

According to the US State Departments labeling system, the most frequent subjects discussed are:

• External political relations – 145,451
• Internal government affairs – 122,896
• Human rights – 55,211
• Economic Conditions – 49,044
• Terrorists and terrorism – 28,801
• UN security council – 6,532

There is so much that goes on in the background that 'joe public' doesn't know about as countries position themselves with and against each other to secure natural resources , business deals etc. Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, has put in motion an unstoppable force. The WikiLeaks site was being heavily targetted by a cyber attack yesterday and the virtual flames will continue for many months.

(Thanks : http://www.pocketinfo.net/)

Plein 2: There better be some Harry Potter jokes

Plein 2: There better be some Harry Potter jokes:

There better be some Harry Potter jokes

The US embassy cables give enough material to write about for weeks. The best thing is, they’ve only published 220 cables out of 251,287 so far. Any news? That depends. If you thought international politics was a game countries played by the rules, you’ll be shocked – the US is playing dirty. If you believe there’s an Arab conspiracy to ‘Islamize’ the world, you’ll be surprised – to put it mildly: Islamic countries do not have a particular liking for each other.

Now even if you did not think you that you lived in an ideal world, you might still be amazed. Basically, you have to be quite the cynic to have seen everything coming. Nevertheless, it’s not that unreasonable for the US to spy on the Secretary General of the UN, when you compare it to fabricating evidence to start a war. Nor that the Saudis wrote the lyrics for that John McCain song, ‘bomb Iran’ – Sunnis, Shiites; with that war in Iraq, al-Qaeda, Iran etc. one ought to have some insight in Middle Eastern relations by now.

What I personally find most amusing, are the comments about the ‘world leaders’. Some media find them offensive, but that depends just on how you look at them. They’re very close to the truth, or otherwise very close to our prejudices. All the same, let’s go over the most important ones and analyze them one by one.

At the end of 2008 someone remarked that Medvedev was “playing Robin to Putin’s Batman.” Say what you like, but that’s quite flattering. The first months of his presidency Medvedev was playing Peanut to Putin’s Jeff Dunham[1], so he’s moving up in the world quickly. Medvedev appears to be growing stronger the last years, so who knows: in two years Putin might playing B.A. Baracus next to Medvedev’s Hannibal.

An important advisor to the sultan of Oman said Muammar Gaddafi, the Libyan leader, is "just strange". I don’t know if anyone ever noticed, but we’re talking about a guy who takes a tent with him wherever he goes. Strange is an understatement.

The South African International Relations Minister branded Robert Mugabe “the crazy old man”. For someone who knows nothing about topography the “the” might be debatable (after all, there are many crazy old men in the world). However, Mugabe lives next door to the South Africans. This guy’s the boss of a country (Zimbabwe) that was once known as the granary of Africa. But, he threw out the farmers, gave their lands to people who knew nothing about farming, and was then surprised his people were starving. Not to mention that he’s literally done everything to remain in power, even though he’s well over eighty.

Apparently, Hamid Karzai, is "an extremely weak man who did not listen to facts but was instead easily swayed by anyone who came to report even the most bizarre stories or plots against him". Now we all knew Karzai was corrupt. We knew he does not have control over his country (and probably never will). Now we also know he would fit perfectly in a US Bible Belt town, where people believe Obama is (secretly) a Muslim, who wants to make America a socialist country and started Medicare to kill old people.

Now, Berlusconi is feckless, vain and parties too much. Anything new? Sarko’s style is authoritarian and thinned-skinned. Did you ever think differently? Ms. Merkel is ‘risk averse and rarely creative’. That’s not a crime: die Mannschaft won three World Championships that way.

It’s all not so bad. It’s worse not to be mentioned at all. Still, much is yet to come and that means fair chances for everyone. Now we’re going to see just how important our former Prime Minister, Mr. Balkenende of The Netherlands,[2] really was. After all we’ve done for the US and NATO, there better be some Harry Potter jokes as well.

TEN Important things about MARRAIGE

1. The woman always makes the rules
2. These rules are subject to change without notice
3. No man can possibly know all the rules
4. The woman is never wrong
5. If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said.
6. The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7. The woman can change her mind at any time
8. The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9. The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10. At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.